My north star

I waited a long time to be a mum (not by choice). So I had extra time to prepare. Although I read all the books, asked all the questions and set all the intentions, being a mum still felt like a huge journey that I wasn’t prepared for. As though I had set out on a trip to the north pole wearing a bikini, the wrong shoes and carrying 2 sandwiches and a flask. I didn’t know the terrain as well as I thought. Mothering was an immense and sometimes painful journey into the depths of my heart. Along the journey I didn’t stop enough to enjoy the view or let the experience soak in. I was too busy trying to get it all right.

My child is a miracle, born through the assistance of science. I swore I would cherish him a little more due to his late arrival in my life but I still rushed through a lot of his early years. Every day with him is a beautiful blessing.

This precious human will only walk by my side for a short while. Soon he will walk his own path. Can I prepare him for his journey? Can I stop worrying about his future long enough to enjoy this present moment together, these days we walk side by side. Can I stop my racing mind long enough to enjoy his warm little hand in mine as we walk to school? Can I stop future tripping long enough to listen to his stories?

How do I stop my heart from breaking when he tells me that he feels sad because his friend was mean to him? Can I trust him wholeheartedly to know his true path and walk it with courage? Can I stop myself from suggesting a left turn when his intuition tells him to turn right? To sit on my hands when all I long to do is meddle?

I have to try, because all along I realise he has been the wise one. The north star guiding both of us. He is still in tune with his inuition. It hasn’t been conditioned out of him yet. He knows when he needs to rest and when he needs to burn energy and he honours that. He senses good and bad in people. He chooses the mismatching outfit and grows his hair long because he doesn’t need to please anyone. He will be engrossed in an activity and then walk away as soon as it no longer sparks joy for him. He will scatter love indiscriminately wherever he goes. He believes he has super powers.

I need never have worried. He had the map all along, and the compass and he follows his own north star. All I have to do is watch and learn. He will teach me more than any parenting book or google search if I trust myself to listen and trust him enough to show me.